I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize