You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
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There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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