I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
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Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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