She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
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He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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