DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
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I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
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