Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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