So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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