Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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