at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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