If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
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We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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