This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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