There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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