You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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