I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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