I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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