3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
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we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
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Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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