Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
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Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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