We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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