i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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