Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize