Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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