Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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