I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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