The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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