You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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