I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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