she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
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Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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