I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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