Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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