I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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