i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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