We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
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he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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