my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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