Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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