I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize