Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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