Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think my moral compass just broke
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize