she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
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At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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