the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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