please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
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so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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