I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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