Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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