So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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