Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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