I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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