I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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