Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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