party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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