OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My balls are so social today.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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