between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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